I'm Running Out Of........

Last year on Veterans Day I took the kids downtown to watch the parade. Bradley was part of the Sea Cadet Color Guard so it was pretty exciting for me as a mom. We went early to get a good spot and as the kids were running and playing in the grass around me I picked up the phone and called my dad. We were early and near the end of the parade route so I had lots of time to chat. We always had lots to talk about...politics, weather, kids, friends, cars. It didn't matter what the subject. There were many times where we didn't really talk about anything at all! He sounded well and peaceful. His voice wasn't really strong , but it wasn't feeble or tired. Just peaceful.
As I have so many days this year I have said more than once today, " Last year on this day I was...." and a memory will pour out of my heart. Usually accompanied by some tears and a quavering voice.
As we draw ever closer to December 4th I am struck by the realization that I am running out of "Last year on this day" I won't lie, it makes me horribly sad. I miss him so much. December 4th looms before me like a big black hole. I am afraid it will be awful.
BUT I have hope. Hope that I will honor my Father and my dad and carry on with a smile and a laugh and a few tears as well.

I Jumped.

It has been almost 9 months since my dad has passed. Nine long months of darkness, pain and somedays hopelessness.
On August 1st I watched a video of a message given by Jim Cymbala called My House Will Be Called a House of Prayer. It was life changing for me. It was if God was asking me to jump, promising to catch me. Just like my daddy used to do when I was a little girl.
I jumped. Committing to an hour of prayer every morning. Most days at 6 am I get up to spend time reading my bible and praying. It has seemed so simple yet the change in my life is extraordinary. I am me again!!! Teasing with Seth, laughing, it feel so good to laugh with all of me, instead of just chuckling to be polite. I smile real smiles that reach my eyes. I feel like I am glowing with JOY. His joy. None of my own doing just an amazing gift from Him. Just because I trusted and jumped.
I have so much more to post but I will wait. This restoration deserves its own post.

Hiatus

I don't know if you could really call what I have been doing a hiatus since I wasn't blogging regularly before December but I am trying desperately to find some vestige of the old me before my father's death on December 4th. The old me loved to write in my journal, on Facebook, in my head. I love to write. I love how cursive words spread across the paper. Visually the curls, loops, and peaks draw me in and the ability to experience emotions over and over from a special event. Whether it is tragic or happy when I put it down on paper I am there again and again in my memories.

But to write I must face my grief, the last 39 years with my dad and the future without him.

I am back in VT for a month. Missing my father and hiding from my grief. It follows me wherever I go but I have gotten very good at staying two steps ahead of it. One day I will have to face it, very soon I think. But for now I continue to dodge and chase the setting sun constantly watching over my shoulder for the darkness that doggedly pursues me. I want so badly to be me again. But I know I have to face the darkness and I'm just not ready. Everytime I try I am physically ill. Nausea, headaches, backpain. It is like having the flu but there are no meds to relieve my symptoms. I know God is going to grow me and my family through this trial....but does it have to hurt this badly?

Hot tubbing anyone?

My brother has a hot tub on his back patio and on Christmas Eve the kids were all in it and then took turns making snow angels. That's hot tubbing VT yankee style!

Snowstorms, inside and out

We have gotten 33 inches of snow over the weekend. Yes as in almost 3 feet. The kids are having a blast. The first picture is of Dalton. He laid down to make a snow angel and almost disappeared. The second picture is of my dad. It was taken when we were up here in October. He was carving pumpkins with my kids....I'm not sure who was having more fun. I miss him so much it takes my breath away.

January 1, 2010

I promise to post a picture a day. If I can find my blog groove I will do that too.
I have so much noise in my heart right now it is hard to find just what to say.

Where have I been?

I never intend for months to go by without blogging. I love to read great, thick books and I love to write my thoughts or the craziness of my life...So why the hiatus?
I think somedays I get lost and my life takes over. I'm not me, I'm a mom and a wife and a teacher, housekeeper, secretary, taxi driver. Just like all the other mom's out there. Which lead me to this question the other day:

What do I want to be when my kids grow up?