Hiatus

I don't know if you could really call what I have been doing a hiatus since I wasn't blogging regularly before December but I am trying desperately to find some vestige of the old me before my father's death on December 4th. The old me loved to write in my journal, on Facebook, in my head. I love to write. I love how cursive words spread across the paper. Visually the curls, loops, and peaks draw me in and the ability to experience emotions over and over from a special event. Whether it is tragic or happy when I put it down on paper I am there again and again in my memories.

But to write I must face my grief, the last 39 years with my dad and the future without him.

I am back in VT for a month. Missing my father and hiding from my grief. It follows me wherever I go but I have gotten very good at staying two steps ahead of it. One day I will have to face it, very soon I think. But for now I continue to dodge and chase the setting sun constantly watching over my shoulder for the darkness that doggedly pursues me. I want so badly to be me again. But I know I have to face the darkness and I'm just not ready. Everytime I try I am physically ill. Nausea, headaches, backpain. It is like having the flu but there are no meds to relieve my symptoms. I know God is going to grow me and my family through this trial....but does it have to hurt this badly?